My Immortal
by CAcationu2
Summary: Inuyasha hates having a human side to defile his demon, and there is one night in particular which he despises and keeps as one of his many secrets. On this night, Inuyasha thinks of everything that he refuses to admit he has feelings for...


On any other worthless night I could be seen. My demon speed would frighten the weak-willed of which there are so many, and all past fears of the shadows would cast themselves for one perfect moment into a new fear, illuminating itself with the color of the moon's reflection. But not now; though I run as wild and fierce as always, the proof of their fear is now a raven black, and my speed too slow to break the patterns of the wind. I have no weapons against enemies; the sword I yield is too heavy in my human hands. My claw-less human hands, possessing no threat what so ever to late-night challengers. I look at them in disgust, with piercing orbs that I know have turned as dark as my midnight locks, creating an alluring contrast to my newly frail cream skin. I despise these dark nights just as much as my soul fears their coming.

**_I'm so tired of being here_**

          With nothing to do in these moon-less hours, my mind often wanders to things that I dare not show in the day or presence of others. All that I have felt and seen I would never allow to pass through me in deplorable tears or piteous words, however as much as I deny them, they are there and invariably set free on these execrated nights. I remember my innocent childhood when I could not for all my power understand why they all hated me so. When I asked my mother, she always cried with the tears of a broken heart. She never intended to give me the weakness that would lessen the respect of my being, no matter how strong the discrepant demon blood that fuels me spills in my veins. I felt diminished in the villages. They seemed so strong and intimidating then. Looking back now, I could have dealt all my revenge and reparations upon them with one swipe of my claws. I have the potential to be wonderfully wicked.

**_Suppressed by all my childish fears_**

          But then again, I could be gentle, and I grew to loathe that as well. I wanted no more than to be rid of this kindness, to become a prevailing demon ghost just like the legends of my father. I knew that I was endowed for my ambitions and to make them all real, I conceived to go after and seize a sacred jewel known as the Shikon no Tama. I had no idea that one compelling Miko would guard it. As it were, I felt no cowardice. Even just half of my minimized power would be enough to take care of one human, spiritual powers of not. Or so I thought. But my conceited apprehensions were no match for Kikyo. To ever think that she was a mere woman would have cost me my life, if she hadn't seen in me the same struggle that she felt everyday, but never cried for. I could not take the Jewel from her. Every time I tried, she would know I was there and stop me before I could react. After awhile, I never thought to take the Sacred Jewel or kill Kikyo. I could never kill her… But there was another reason, and it still plagues me, even after all of these years, because she is still here. She cannot leave. She must kill me, even if it tears her stolen heart in two. She can never let go of her hate, but what hurts me worse, is she can never let go of her love even more.    

**_And if you have to leave_**

          Amusingly, she could never finish me off either. I remember the day we spoke together…

:::::Flashback:::::

Hiding behind the thick leaves of a tall tree, I watched her, as I had many times before, sit quietly in the field staring into nothing with her eyes, her beautiful eyes that saw straight through me.

"Inuyasha," her calming voice called to me, "You're there, aren't you? Why don't you come down?" She didn't even have to look away from her mind or her thoughts.

          Precariously, I moved down to sit with her, however, keeping my distance. She did not seem to mind at all, but instead was captivated at my motion to willingly be with her at all. I was captivated by her serene beauty. And with no hesitation, she spoke again.

          "Sitting and talking with you… This is the first time, isn't it?"

          "What's your point?" My words were short and crude, despite what I thought inside. She gently bowed her head in a portrayal of her ever-hidden emotions. She asked me a question I could not ignore.

"How do you see me?" My heart skipped its tiny rhythm for just a moment as those words left her lips. "Do I look like a human?"

          Oh how was I ever supposed to answer to that? Yet again, my mind and my words exist as two different expressions. "Eh? What are you talking about?"

          A small silence brought by a gentle breeze of wind settled upon us, and our eyes were locked giving off confusion and audacity.

          "I'm not like everyone else… I cannot hesitate, or else the youkai will not see me as a threat." I studied her with my soft yet steady eyes. "Even though I am human, I can never lead a normal human's life… You and I are the same… since you are a hanyou… and that is why… I cannot kill you…"

          "Hmph!" I stood violently upward and delivered my suspicion rashly. "What is all this trash?! You never shut up!" In a manner that rudely discarded all of her words, I turned and began to shuffle away, but something made me stop and stare at her once more. She was staring at me, with sad eyes that begged me to stay and listen to her plea. I could not ignore her any longer.

          "Is that so… I don't shut up, do I?"

          After seeing that longing face, I lost all the will to impede on her any longer. I thought of nothing but her. I was always around her. When she played with the children, when she worked, wherever she went that permitted my closeness… I was there. I wanted to be with Kikyo… forever.

**_I wish that you would just leave_**

          We talked many times after that and once, we discussed the Shikon no Tama and its powers.  We came to the subject of me… becoming human…

          "Me? Human?"

          "It can be done. Since half of you is originally human. If the Shikon no Tama falls into the hands of a wicked youkai, their power will increase manyfold. However, if it is used to turn you into a human, after the Jewel purifies you… they will most likely disappear."

          My thoughts were racing through my head the whole time she was speaking… Me? Become a human? Why? Hadn't I wanted the Jewel to become a full demon? But… Kikyo wanted this of me… but what of her? I needed to know something.   

          "But then, Kikyo… What will happen to you?" My heart and mind alike were now both encircling in me and I could not find any answers to my confusion.

          "If the Jewel I've been protecting… if the Jewel disappears… then I can finally become a normal woman…"

          That was it. That was all she had ever wanted. She wanted to be a normal human. That evening… crossing the river, we talked and thought of it. There on the dock, I saw her beautiful human side. She tripped as elegantly as I could imagine any woman, and in catching her, I could bear it no longer. I embraced her. I had decided with all of my heart and mind and soul. If I could be with Kikyo forever, if I could let her live her life as a normal woman, then I would become human for her… I would become human with her… forever.

**_Your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone_**

          I had every intention of meeting Kikyo and becoming a full human. On the day on which we promised to meet, I went into the forest to meet her. She had not yet come, but I would wait. Suddenly, three arrows flew past me and into the tree standing beside me. She had caught me by surprise.

          "Die! Inuyasha!!"

Her voice pierced through like a thousand arrows, and her betrayal released in me the anger of a demon, and all the trust that I had surrendered to her, melted away with the boiling of my hanyou blood. The blood I now intended to enhance… to become a full youkai.

          After ensnaring me into her surprise attack, she stormed after me, trying to kill me wherever I went. She followed me with hate, just as I had followed her with love… but now I knew not why she did this.

At the end of the endless arrows, I could cease my escape and start my own attack. I invaded the village striking fear into all of the inhabitants. They tried to capture me with ropes and nets, but it was all in vain. I dived into the shrine and took possession of the Shikon no Tama. I turned to yet another surprise as the villagers barged in, throwing spears and fire. Using what demon strength I had, I launched through the roof just in time to see it explode.

"Heh, heh, too bad!" I screamed with all my glorious rage. With that one eruption, and the Shikon no Tama I now had in my claws, all the excitement flooded through me and I embellished in it. This jewel… this is what I had pined for all this time… before Kikyo. I shook my head, brushing away my thoughts with the wind. Now she will get what she deserves, they will all get it.

          "With this I can now become a real demon!"

          My attainment was however short-lived. Passing through the village and diving into the forest that would later become my own, I heard my name sounded in that same voice that had driven me to this insanity.

          "Inuyasha!"

          "Agh!" I choked as I was breathing. A deep arrow had pierced my heart… Kikyo's arrow. She was finishing her betrayal. She was killing what was left of me, which was nothing but a ruthless hanyou, stealing the Sacred Jewel for his own youkai benefits. The Jewel… the Jewel! Its chain deserted my claws and rested itself gently upon the ground, out of my reach.

          The snap of Kikyo's bow and her once beautiful face now stained with anger and deception were the last things that I saw as my heart grew steadily weaker.

          "Ki…Kikyo… Bitch… how dare you…"

:::::End Flashback:::::

**_These wounds won't seem to heal_**

How much I hated her. But I did love her that much, if not more.

The day that witch Urasue resurrected her; Kikyo did not want to come back to life. Kikyo's reincarnated soul fought within Kagome to not be let out. At the time of her death, she was consumed with hatred for me. My utterance of her name caused the turmoil inside Kagome's mind to shatter and Kikyo's soul burst free, reanimating Kikyo's new body of her dead bones.

I discovered why she used her last strength to kill me. She believed that I had betrayed her first, fatally wounding her and taking the Jewel. But I didn't remember any of it… how could I have… it wasn't me! Poor Kikyo… her heart, was torn that day, and the revenge she thought she wrought upon me unfolded to be a lie as well. I can still feel that day.

**_This pain is just too real_**

When I came back into this world, the magic of the arrow destroyed by Kagome, I learned that Kikyo had died that day. She had the Shikon no Tama burned with her remains, killing all demons that would ever have tried to come after it. She thought I gave her the wounds to kill her, so she used all she could to make sure that I suffered the same fate.

It wasn't true! Yet, after 50 years, out hatred burns the same… our love burns the same. It can never end.

**_There's just so much that time cannot erase_**

I remember her sad face, always wishing to be a normal woman, wishing to cry the tears that a normal woman could, but couldn't because of the necessity for unflinching power.

I would have let her cry for ages had we been given the chance.

**_When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears_**

I would have lived with her, as a human, letting her be a woman in the village, like any other. I would have worked for her, cared for her, loved her. I would have protected her from the demons she once knew would fight for the Jewel, had we been given the chance.

**_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_**

I was there with her all the time. When she fought, when she worked, when she sat in the fields and stared at all the trees, I was there! I was gladly going to give myself to her; become human to live with her forever and to make her happy… but we were never given the chance.

**_And I held your hand through all of these years_**

Even knowing that she hated me as she died, knowing that could have saved her own life using the Jewel, but instead threw it away to follow after me in death, I can no longer hate her. I loved her, and I always will, even now, while she desires to kill me again, I love her.

**_But you still have_**

These things, I cannot forget…but will I attempt it? To forget all of it… like it was never there would be the death of me once again. No! I can never forget… Kikyo…

**_All of me_**


End file.
